You’ve already got enough emotional abuse coming from toxic people in your life. So let’s not pile on another layer of self-criticism — let’s figure out how to stop shoulding yourself instead.
Survivors often carry around invisible scripts that say: you should do this, you shouldn’t do that. That tiny word, “should,” can feel like another bossy voice in your head, draining your energy and making you feel like a failure.
It’s Time to Stop Shoulding Yourself, My Friend
“Should.” It’s a simple little word that, when misused, can knock you out of your creative flow, stir up anxiety, and convince you you’re not enough. And if you’ve already had toxic people or abusers planting that feeling in your mind, you don’t need a repeat performance from your own self-talk.
By reframing this word, you’ll open the door to optimism, clarity, and choices that actually align with your authentic self.
Now, imagine you’re walking along, and your toe pokes through your sock. You think, “I should trim my toenails.”
You ignore it and reach for comfort food instead: peanut butter and jelly on soft, pillowy bread.
As you gaze into the jelly, you remember that glossy pedicure you once admired.
Another day passes, and again, you think, “I should trim my toenails.”
But at this point, it’s more than a trim. You don’t need clippers; you need a saw for those floor-scratching hooves.
Now your shoes hurt, and so does the nagging voice in your head. The pressure builds, not just from your toes but from the endless waves of “shoulds” entering your mind.
Before you know it, you’ve shoulded yourself into exhaustion. This is exactly why learning to stop shoulding yourself matters so much.
Then comes the kicker: “I shouldn’t say “I should,” because I never do it anyway, and it just makes me feel like crap.”
You’re stressed, frustrated, and running on empty. All those “shoulds” weigh you down so much that you can’t even tell what you truly want anymore.
Here’s the thing: you’re not lazy, broken, or doomed to a life of long toenails. The weight of “should” isn’t who you are. It’s just noise. When you learn to trade “shoulds” for choices, you get your energy and your freedom back.
(Later, I’ll share daily reminders to help you embrace the truth that you’re worthy of your desires, and you get to want what you want.)
5 Reasons to Stop Shoulding Yourself (Before Buying More Socks)
#1 – “Should” Creates Pressure (& Pimples)
Using the word “should” can create unnecessary pressure and feel like an obligation.
And when you don’t meet those expectations, this pressure can lead to stress, anxiety, and even breakouts. Survivors don’t need that on top of everything else.
Survivors of emotional abuse already know what it’s like to live under constant pressure from toxic people. And you don’t need to keep pressuring yourself with more “shoulds.”
Knowing that you don’t want pimples will help you replace the word “should” with empowering words. So you can take over the world or at least be aligned with your soul’s desires.
Take a deep breath and release that pressure — because you don’t owe the word “should” anything.
#2 – May Result From External Factors, Including the Neighbor’s Dog
Newsflash: All the thoughts telling you what you should or shouldn’t do may not be coming from YOUR OWN DESIRES (facepalm!).
They’re hand-me-downs from controlling parents, manipulative partners, or society at large. Survivors of emotional abuse know this all too well — abusers love to plant “you should” in your head until you can’t hear your own voice anymore.
These “shoulds” don’t come from you. They come from external influences — social expectations, family pressure, maybe even the neighbor’s dog.
You’re not even a dog person, yet here you are thinking you “should” knit a sweater for the neighbor’s dog. You don’t even knit.
All these outside expectations cloud your mind with a storm of “shoulds.” No wonder you don’t even know what you want anymore. It makes sense, and we’ll get through this together.
You can ask yourself, “Why do I feel I “should” do this?” If it’s because of external pressures or societal expectations, toss those “shoulds.” They don’t belong to you. And focus on what feels aligned with your true self.
#3 – Stop Shoulding Yourself as It Creates Guilt & Negative Vibes
Using “should” statements without following through can lead to unnecessary guilt and a sense of failure. This can shift your mindset to a negative space, causing you to lose motivation and feel discouraged.
When things start going well again, you might not notice because you’re too focused on what you “should have done.” This can leave you drenched in negative energy and stuck.
Every time you say “I should” and don’t follow through, it’s like handing yourself a failure report card. And if you’ve been around controlling or manipulative people, you’ve already been handed plenty of those fake report cards. You don’t need to keep grading yourself the same way they did.
Survivors already wrestle with self-doubt; piling on more guilt just keeps you stuck in negative energy.
Try reframing “I should” thoughts as positive affirmations to zap this negative energy. For example, instead of thinking, “I should exercise,” say, “I’m making healthy choices so I can feel good.”
#4 – “Should” Feels Forced, & Not a Choice
“I should eat broccoli.” Ya, okay… not exactly inspiring.
Let’s try a different approach and replace “should” with “COULD“. This changes the tone from obligation to possibility, giving you more flexibility and options.
Survivors of toxic relationships often never got much real choice — everything felt forced. That’s why reclaiming “could” or “choose” is so powerful. It’s a reminder that your voice and desires matter.
For instance, “I could eat broccoli with some delicious salmon, followed by ice cream!” Now that’s more like it.
Using “should” may imply feeling obligated to do something rather than being motivated by your interests and passions. It can reveal the activities or tasks that you avoid doing.
For instance, saying, “I should do my taxes,” feels like a chore unless you enjoy dealing with tax forms, calculators, and financial statements. If you like doing taxes, you likely say, “Yay, it’s tax season, and I GET to do my taxes!”
Of course, there’ll be things you’re not interested in doing that must be done.
However, you can increase your chances of completing tasks by replacing “should.” Instead, try saying, “I WANT to…,” or “I DESIRE to…,” or “I CHOOSE to…,” or “I GET to…”
Include a reward or a benefit to motivate you further to complete uninteresting tasks. For example, “I CHOOSE to get my taxes done so I can focus on my passion.” Whatever that passion is — teaching cats to high five, building a business, or finally learning to parallel park without cussing.
When you stop shoulding yourself, you stop forcing yourself and start fueling yourself.
#5 – “Should” Sets You Up for Unrealistic Goals (& Bald Spots)
“Should” statements are often unachievable and impractical, reaching far beyond the Milky Way. You may even hear the sound of your words echoing back to you as you say, “I should run a marathon,” “marathon,” “marathon.”
While I’ll cheer you on and encourage you to set challenging goals, it’s crucial to check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Emotional abusers love to push impossible standards, the kind no one could ever meet, just to keep you feeling small. Kicking “should” to the curb helps you set goals that actually belong to you, not to their impossible rulebook.
Shoulding yourself to run a marathon when struggling to walk the first mile is impractical.
You can enjoy a more positive mindset by replacing “I should” thoughts with: “I’D LIKE TO…” or “IT’D BE COOL IF…” or “I’M INTERESTED IN…”
So, be mindful of setting high expectations using the word “should” to avoid disappointment, frustration, and watching your hair fall out from unnecessary stress.
Reclaim Your Power & Stop Shoulding Yourself
With your newfound clarity on the issues of using the word “should,” you’re a step closer to trimming those hooves.
Now, instead of thinking, “I should trim my toenails.” You have empowering options such as:
• Create a POSITIVE AFFIRMATION and say, “My feet support me, and I’D LIKE TO support them.” You then grab the clippers and give your toes the love they deserve.
• Replace should with “COULD” to expand your options and explore new possibilities.
• Or declare to yourself: “I WANT to,” “DESIRE to,” “CHOOSE to,” or “GET to trim my toenails.” These phrases can help you connect with your passions and interests and have greater control.
• Or you can set yourself up for success with a positive attitude using: “I’D LIKE TO…,” or “IT’D BE COOL IF…,” or “I’M INTERESTED IN…,” vs. negative “I should” thoughts.
By changing the way you talk to yourself, you can reduce stress, guilt, and self-criticism. You’ll feel empowered and optimistic, and for a sweet bonus, you’ll improve your mental well-being.
Ask Better Questions to Stop Shoulding Yourself
You can answer the question: “Why do I feel I “should” trim my toenails?”
You may then hear a critical parent or partner’s voice from your past telling you to stop wasting money on pedicures and do it yourself.
As a result of this outside influence, you feel unworthy of treating yourself. So, you procrastinate and rebel, unsure of what you want.
Then, you read the phrase you’ve longed for:
“I’m worthy of my desires”
And what you genuinely desire is to get a pedicure.
You replace “I should trim my toenails” with “I DESIRE to get a pedicure.” And now you can stand in your truth while admiring your shiny pedicure.
So, become aware of your thoughts and replace “should” with words that motivate, increase your sense of choice, and align with your authentic self.
Because you, yes, you are worthy.
I kept thinking about what I’d want to see on my wall when the “shoulds” get loud. And it came down to two things:
“I’m worthy of my desires”
and
“I get to want what I want.”
So I designed both as printables. These daily reminders are created for you to see, read, and affirm the truth that you matter in meaningful ways.
The designs use clean lines and thoughtful spacing to make the message stand out. No clutter, no noise — just the truth you need to remember.
Simple, elegant, and ready for you to print and frame however you wish. Get both for just $7 — Click here to make them yours today ▸
Display them where you’ll notice, and let their message remind you: you get to want what you want.
